Monday, March 4, 2013

Confidence is Such a Goofy Thing

I was fairly happy with my progress in fencing until sometime after early September of 2012. After that my tournament results went to hell and I could not seem to pull back out of it. I kept seeing a WWII pilot ,with his plane riddled with bullet holes and wings in flames, trying to pull his plane out of a dive that was certain death. Doom was upon me and every time I fenced I went in to that spiral of depression. I thought it might be an "age thing" and there was no way I would ever be able to give a decent account of myself in local tournaments while fencing the young ones.

So here we are in early 2013 and I seem to be pulling out of what my coach has referred to as a "slump." He says we all get them. I didn't seem to notice it in other fencers.

I medaled in a small college event a couple of weeks ago and did fairly well in Divisionals this weekend. Placement in Divisionals was nothing to write home about, but due to my lack of confidence and fencing depression, I really thought I would end up near the bottom of the final results. As it was, I finished 9th out of pools and 11th over all. I did not make it to the round of eight,which would have been a "happy place".

I got compliments on my fencing that made me feel good. A young college fencer told me he had watched me fence and I was a "beast". I do not think I have ever been called a "beast" or even felt beastly for sometime.

I looked at the results from Divisionals in every positive (and sometimes shallow) way I could and watched my confidence level climb a bit.

And even though my confidence is coming back, it is just so silly to base it on something like the last results. If I had been in a different pool, all could have been different. A couple of the "U'" fencers were "A" rated sabreist and one was also a "C" foilist. It would have sucked to be you, if they were in your pool. I did not have any of those kids in my pool. So, in point of fact, I am basing my slowly returning confidence on a lucky draw. And even though I know that, I am going with it. I am letting a little confidence return. That is so weird.

I think I need to pick my next event to fence in with some care. In local competitions, I need to stick with the "C and Under" kind of events. That is my comfort zone. There is a tournament this weekend nearby. While it would be fun to fence, the fencers there are to strong for me. I think it would be better to wait for an event where I am not certain to be "waxed". I have to pamper the ever-so-delicate "Mr. Confidence" because he is such a"wuss". Flatter him, tell him lies and half truths. It seems such a wrong thing to do.. Somehow, it seems unmanly to me.