Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Guilt

This weekend I went to JO's and watched Nicole fence. I did a bit of shopping. I hung out with my friends. I got two foils repaired at the event. ( I am not certain this means I want to fence foil. It more than likely means I can't stand having weapons that are not in good repair. I think I have one Allstar epee that needs work and they will all be functional.)

I saw people I had not seen in a while. Some remembered  me and some didn't.

I watched some good fencing. I watched some interesting fencing. They are not always the same thing.

When I got home, my nineteen year old son asked to have a talk with me in private.

One of the things he addressed was that I was spending to much time fencing. He mentioned this out of concern for his mother. I respect the fact that he did so.

The next morning I had a talk with Anne. I have had this talk many times, but I needed to check again. No...She is not upset at the amount of time I am putting into fencing. She knows that I have to have something to obsess over. I have to have something I can study. So, she is supportive.

Then I look around at all the projects I have to do around the house. There are weeks and weeks of work here. It is hard enough to get the regular weekend chores done, much less the bigger extra projects of painting and handyman work.

Not only that, but at the moment I have three houses. I have my own. I have my Dads, which I have had for 10 months and have not got it ready to put on the market. ( Spring is the time to sell a house.) I also have half a beach house. It needs work as well. Where the heck does a regular guy find time for that! Much less a guy who claims to be obsessed with fencing.

I am racked with guilt.

For a change, there are three tournaments back to back for the next three weekends. Two are close by and and one is near my beach house.

I don't know what to do. I could stop fencing and be guilt free, but not be happy. I can fence and feel guilty and not be happy. I can try and balance all aspects of my life and fail.....and you guessed it....not be happy. I am just in a bad place right now. A really bad place.

How in the heck do people do all the right things? How do they do everything they are supposed to do?

How can you eat right and exercise everyday. Clean the house and cars, plan for retirement, spend time with your family, follow your dreams and give your career a 110%. Pay your bills on time and take good care of your teeth. Don't forget to floss. Check on the kids, strip some old wall paper and paint a few bedrooms. Re do a bath room and figure out what to do about your crab grass and bad boards on your porch. As well as get a plumber, electrician and cable guy out to your house.

I could just keep going and going.

I always want to do the right thing. It just seems so often that I have not. How do people do it? How do fencers do it?




3 comments:

fencerkath said...

I can't sort out my life either  The house is in an awful state, I'm busy with work, the kids need time and I want to fit in the eight-hour round-trip to see my parents.  Fencing began as somewhere I watched my son but now I do it for me.  And I went to the theatre last weekend.  But I think when I don't do a few things for me I feel so down I don't do other things well.  So perhaps we all need time for interests away from family (however much we love them) and away from duty, money-making, etc.

rdautumnsage said...

It comes down to choices, but then you already know that. As for your wife, see if perhaps she would enjoy coming to watch you fence once in awhile. You both would see each other a little more this way. The thing about work around the house it's always there. On tournament weekends, don't give it much thought. When there is a weekend with nothing much going on devote it to the house. Inevitably something will always suffer for a love interest, in your case fencing. Somehow I think you would be miserable without it. Another way to look at it is this....It's a race against time. Your not always going to have the energy or the muscle condition to fence. You may as well enjoy it while your healthy enough to do so.

At times I have a hard time trading off writing for other things that require my attention....it's a difficult feat to find the middle ground that works for everyone. (Hugs) Indigo

epeeallday said...

i know that feeling all too well....all my senior year i had fenced non stop, an attempt to lose myself in something i loved to do and be with the people i wanted to b with since i started fencing and met them.....then the rest of senior year hit on the offdays (work wasnt too pleasant either, it seemed for awhile i worked 2 days during the week when fencing wasnt happening and skipped the weekend shifts for about 2 months straight). point is, fencing is only part of ur life. when u support urself by fencing, live at ur fencing school and have NOTHING in ur life that needs attaining to then u are a fencer, but if u have anything else then ur a person who fences. this is something i often wondered myself...i missed my prom both junior and senior year, caused friction in the band for two years in a row, wasnt able to commit to anything unless i knew about a month in advance and even then i lived on the road. my parents barely saw me without either my work or fencing uniform on and my friends took the backseat to fencing. looking back, i wished i knew wat i did now...in fact if i could i would have gone to prom at least senior year and attended less tournaments so i could see friends i hardly see now. away from fencing i felt unhappy, unimportant and guilty for skipping out on training. and when i was fencing, on the way back from tournaments that seemed to b a waste i would often b pissed off that i missed being with my friends b4 college. again the point im trying to make is balance life with fencing, u may want more but like i said we are people who fence not fencers.