I asked my club to take me off the list on our web site that had me listed as a foil coach. I just could not beat myself up over that any longer, nor could I get good enough to be labeled that fast enough. I felt like I was pretending to be something I wasn't. It was killing me .
I feel free now.
If I can help a kid or coach someone, I am more than happy to do that within the limitations of my ability. I hope to help a great deal.
I just could not get good enough, fast enough to be as I thought I should be. It is a weapon I have not yet learned to love, that was getting between me and the one I do. I am not sure if my club mates get why this was making me crazy or not. I hope they do.
I am free now to dabble in learning foil and refereeing foil or to do neither. I am under no pressure to do so. It can be at my own pace.
I think things will be better in my little world of fencing now.